


to all the times you've loved me before

by setosdarkness



Series: OTP Collection - JuHaku [28]
Category: Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic
Genre: JuHaku Week, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Please Proceed With Caution, Prompt: King and his Magi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-03-11 05:52:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3316613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/setosdarkness/pseuds/setosdarkness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The five times Judar has said 'I love you' are the five times that Hakuryuu hasn't said it back. </p><p>[alternatively: Hakuryuu is given the chance to rise out of depravity. He doesn't take it and instead runs away with the helpless Judar who has been turned to a child.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	to all the times you've loved me before

•••

"Faste _rrrr_ , Haku _ry_ uuuuu~~~"

He laughs as he tries to braid faster, easily combing his fingers through the thick, but silky, locks of hair. It's extraordinarily long for someone who's only technically five years old, but then again, there's nothing ordinary about the brat half-seated on his crossed legs and lap.

Judar squirms, ticklish despite his loud denials earlier, as his stray hair tickles his arms and back.

When Judar whines again for him to braid faster, he takes a clump of hair, sections it quickly, before brushing the ends of the hair against Judar's cheek, almost like a fine calligraphy brush without any ink drawing strange words onto a pale canvas.

"I wanna catch some beetles," Judar squirms even more as he lists all the things that he wants to do in the next few minutes. "Will you join me, Hakuryuu?"

He hums as he focuses on weaving the flowers into Judar's hair, making sure to pin the petals properly into the dark locks. "If you behave yourself, I'll think about it."

"Will do, will do!" Judar chirps enthusiastically, bobbing his head up and down, dislodging some daisies off his head. Judar doesn't seem to notice that he's singlehandedly causing the process take longer.

He doesn't have the heart to tell the other that it's his fault why they're taking so long in a task that usually just takes ten minutes tops, even without the group of veiled priests that just assist with holding the hair up as magic does the rest.

Judar doesn't have magic now, not in the same way that he instinctively knew how to command the _magoi_ around him to form spells of his liking, not in the same way that he used to have a great library of knowledge inside his head. He supposes that Judar is still _loved_ by the _rukh_ of the world, though that kind of love is meaningless if it doesn't form anything substantial or helpful.

Without the aid of magic to enclose air inside the braids, Judar's hair seems longer and darker, more akin to blackened tears falling from an indiscernible height.

"Hakuryuu, that kinda hurts," Judar protests simply, though his hands don't come up to dislodge his grip on his hair.

He lets go abruptly, sections of hair falling from his fingers.

He doesn't apologize – not for something as trivial as this, compared to all of the sins he has taken on and he will be taking on in the future.

He doesn't say 'I love you' to the kid before him, because this person is just a laughable replacement of the one that he's still fighting for. He doesn't love this brat who doesn't have the power of magic anymore, who doesn't have enough hatred to call upon the 'third eye', who doesn't have any memories of his life five years prior.

He doesn't love anyone in this world.

Not anymore.

•••

> "Hakuryuu! See, I told you I can do it!"
> 
> Judar sounds confident and happy with his accomplishment. Even though, judging from the strands of hair that Hakuryuu feels slipping away from the topknot and from the braid, he supposes that it's only a matter of minutes until Judar's experiment with his hair unravels completely, wasting the minutes of rough tugging and whining.
> 
> Hakuryuu feels the scent of nature – of the smell of peach fruits that cling stubbornly on Judar's fingers, of the smell of newly-cut grass in the well-maintained courtyard garden, of the smell of peace and contentment in this palace filled with adults that scare him a little bit – envelope the two of them together and he thinks that he can't really ask for anything more.
> 
> His brothers might be busy with their crown prince duties, his sister might be busy being bullied into attending military strategy lessons with that freckled teenager, his mother might be busy with… something that he isn't privy to, but he doesn't feel a shred of loneliness at all.
> 
> "Thank you, Judar," he says dutifully and politely, though he's thanking the young Oracle not just for the attempt at braiding flowers into his hair, but also for being friendly with him.
> 
> "Anytime, my king," Judar coos back, hugging him from behind as usual, rubbing his right cheek against Hakuryuu's left.
> 
> Hakuryuu leans back against the comfortable warmth of Judar's body and his padded traditional robes. He tilts his head back so that his nape is resting against Judar's right shoulderblade, blinking against the brightness of the sun. He thinks he sees some migratory black birds make their way across the skies, but when he blinks, they're all gone.
> 
> "I'm not a king," Hakuryuu protests as usual, because it's kind of embarrassing that Judar keeps on mistaking him for a king. While it does make him happy that there's at least one person who mistakes him for his Brother Yuu, it's also a bit disheartening, because it's obvious that he wouldn't be able to reach that level of competency at all. He doesn't feel all that annoyed with Judar though.
> 
> Judar shakes his head, his stray hair tickling Hakuryuu's face. Judar then falls into that kind of meditative silence where Hakuryuu knows that he's just being humored at the moment. "Hmm."
> 
> Hakuryuu sits very still when Judar links his arms tightly, intertwined fingers resting just above Hakuryuu's heart.
> 
> "…I love you, Hakuryuu."
> 
> Just like that, Judar says it simply, like he's just commenting on the different types of flowers and weeds he had pulled out from the flowerbeds.
> 
> Hakuryuu is too embarrassed and dumbfounded to say anything back.
> 
> The moment passes when his sister starts calling out for him, a reminder for him attend his calligraphy lessons. Hakuryuu doesn't mind, waving goodbye to Judar and allowing himself to be pulled back to the other's warmth when the other whines and throws a tantrum about being left alone. Hakuryuu already knows where this will lead – not a few seconds later, Judar is also tagging along to a calligraphy lesson he'll complain endlessly about.
> 
> (It's hardly the first time that Hakuryuu's unable to say anything in return to these confessions of Judar's. It's also hardly the first time that Hakuryuu sees a split-second of disappointment in those crimson irises, just as it's also hardly the first time that Judar blatantly ignores being ignored. It's not the first time that it hurts the tiniest bit, for some reason unknown to him.)

•••

"Hey, I want one! Oooh, the candy apple looks niiiice, I want one, Hakuryuu!"

He thinks about scolding Judar for yelling his name so freely, but then again, it's not like the townsfolk and merchants milling around and enjoying the festival are paying any shred of attention to them. Of course, there's always the possibility that they'll get spotted – well, it's not like anyone will ever recognize Judar at this kind of place, in this kind of situation, in this kind of reality – but that's a chance that he's willing to take on for now.

It's hard to summon an inkling of sternness right now, what with Judar running around and ahead of him, before running back and tugging at his wrists to drag him to one stall after another. Judar's been mostly eyeing sweets and desserts, which is so typical of him. He doesn't make a fuss about the lack of peach-flavored desserts, though that's mostly because this area is located in the lower, drier plateau that don't really boast of an environment that can grow peaches. This Judar that's tugging at him enthusiastically has never tasted anything peach yet.

"You can buy anything you want."

It's not bad to indulge Judar every once in a while – for the past couple of days, they've been threading a dangerous mountain pass as opposed to following a safer, prescribed route for travelers. It's pure luck that they've stumbled upon this little village in the midst of its festival. They're set to travel westward still, avoiding the general population and sticking to camping out in cliffs overlooking certain death and setting up camp in high, ancient trees so that nobody would think to look up and search for them.

He can indulge Judar now.

"Ahh, you're not being stingy today!" Judar exclaims with delight, already gesturing towards a line of dessert stalls that he most certainly would want to try. "You're so nice today, Hakuryuu!"

It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that the festival this town is currently celebrating is to honor lovers and those who persevere with their love.

"Keep on talking like that and I'll—"

"Nope, I'm good, Hakuryuu!" Judar hurriedly smiles his most innocent look, not fooling him in the slightest. "I'll behave, promise!"

Judar has never been particularly great when it comes to promises, since he tends to forget about things that don't spark his interest. That's not even counting all the black rukh experiments done to him by Al Thamen… which had certainly messed up his head. In any case, he doesn't have high hopes for this promise of Judar's.

"If you say so…"

He lets himself be dragged to one stall after another, stoically ignoring all the comments about the bystanders and shopkeepers about how he's indulging his younger brother. It's annoying to hear comments like that, since not only does he not look the slightest bit alike Judar, but also because it's kind of creepy, especially knowing their relationship. But then again, it's not like this brat with him is the real Judar, is it?

"Ahh, this is so nice!" Judar gushes, his mouth stretched about the candied apple that he enthusiastically shoved whole into his mouth. "You're so nice, Hakuryuu!"

Without knowledge of his past and the meaning behind their names and appearances needing to be hidden from the public, this Judar is not even fit to be called a shadow of his former self.

"…Hakuryuu? You're spacing out~~~"

He scratches the back of his neck, snapping himself out of his reverie, almost instinctively copying Judar's favorite mannerism whenever he's not completely confident with what he's saying.

"Let's go buy more of that tamagoyaki you tried earlier," he says instead, deflecting any other questions about his state of mind.

The titters and gossips that follow them all coo about him being such a cool, loving brother. He holds on to Judar's hands, not unlike how his sister used to hold on to his hand to anchor him by her side.

He doesn't apologize about losing his concentration while he's with this magic-less kid.

He doesn't say 'I love you' to the kid before him, because this person is just a laughable replacement of the one that he's still searching for. He doesn't love this brat who doesn't consider peaches his favorite food, who doesn't exaggeratedly make barfing noises at the sight of vegetables, who doesn't protest about his hair being messed up due to travelling with hoods drawn over their faces.

He doesn't love anyone in this world.

Not anymore.

•••

> "Hakuryuu! Come o _oooo_ n, I promise this is gonna be the last favor _ever_!"
> 
> Judar sounds particularly pesky tonight, though it must be something important if he's actually lowering his voice in fear of being overheard.
> 
> "…I doubt that," Hakuryuu says, flashing Judar with a dubious look. It's not very likely that accompanying Judar in his dreadful inability to follow strict orders is going to be the last favor the other will ever ask of him. Maybe for the _hour_ , yes, but since it's not yet bedtime, Judar will probably try his best to annoy him into agreeing to allow the other a spot in his bed later.
> 
> But that's for later.
> 
> For now…
> 
> "You're such a spoilsport." Judar is pouting like a distressed child whose candy just got stolen. Or better yet, a childish magi who has been advised that he can't play with his ice magic and turn random palace advisors to ice sculptures. "You're gonna turn to a freckled nerd like Koumei or a goateed nerd like Kouen. So b _ooo_ ring."
> 
> "Tsk, and here I thought you actually got smarter from all the magic training." Hakuryuu hides a chuckle at Judar's indignant screech at that. For all the times that Judar complains about the veiled priests nagging at him to learn magic, he does take learning all those knowledge seriously. Judar's really an idiot that way. "I hardly think staying inside the palace for one night is going to grow some freckles or a goatee on my face."
> 
> "Ah, well, if the old geezers said something about that earlier, I totally missed it! Since I just slept during the training earlier."
> 
> "I know. You slept _on me_."
> 
> There are no words to describe his annoyance at being used as a body pillow and having his shoulder drooled on, but what's even more annoying is how all those who saw them looked at their slumped forms weirdly, _distastefully,_ almost as though an important figure like Judar shouldn't be associating himself with a disgraced prince like himself.
> 
> …Actually, scratch that, it was even more annoying that he actually endured those stares and the heaviness, because he was being nice and he didn't want to disturb the other's untimely nap.
> 
> "And you were very comfortable, Hakuryuu." Judar says seriously, as though he's saying something particularly important. "But you're distracting me! Let's go to that night market, Hakuryuu!!! Come oooon!"
> 
> Telling Judar that he's not supposed to do something is almost like a universal signal to have him attempt doing that thing. He's just like that, antagonizing a whole lot of people in the process while not caring one bit.
> 
> "They're going to find you out immediately."
> 
> "Eh, they won't! Those old geezers and the old hag don't really care for these festivals."
> 
> "You're very recognizable," Hakuryuu glares pointedly at the gold bangles and the huge ruby gemstone in the middle of his neck. He then shifts his gaze lower, glaring at Judar's exposed midriff. In a nation that had fairly standard clothes that looked mostly the same, someone with very unnatural clothing will definitely stand out.
> 
> "Is this your way of saying that I'm popular?" Judar tilts his head, an accomplished grin on his face.
> 
> Recently, he's been really hung-up on the thought of being popular amongst others. Judar mentioned something about meeting someone stupid in some far-off country that insulted his charm, so he's been doing some abs exercises. Hakuryuu's not sure what the desired effect should be, but he hopes it's not making his cheeks feel warm whenever he looks at the other. The Kou Empire is a particularly hot place already, so there's no point in overheating himself.
> 
> "…Or is this your way of agreeing to sneak out with me?"
> 
> Hakuryuu hides his chuckle again as he retorts, "It's my way of saying that you dress like an idiot, _lord priest_."
> 
> "Haha! So mean!" Judar starts tugging at his elbow, dragging him away from the dark cherry wood desk that apparently used to belong to his older brother Hakuyuu. "Ugh, you better be thankful that I love you, so I'll wear those pain-in-the-ass clothes to appear more like the normal _humans_."
> 
> Hakuryuu feels his heartbeat spike a little bit.
> 
> He convinces himself that it's not a big deal to hear Judar say those words.
> 
> He convinces himself that it's just typical Judar, who says things so flippantly and whose likes and dislikes cycle quicker than the seasons.
> 
> The moment to reply naturally passes when Judar tugs at his elbow again, dragging him towards the other's lavishly-decorated and rarely-used bedroom. It almost makes Hakuryuu angry that their empire is wasting resources on decorating this guy's room with lots of expensive vases and hand-crafted silk clothes, when Judar only uses this room twice a month at the most.
> 
> He convinces himself that he isn't _happy_ with the fact that it means that Judar spends more time with him.
> 
> (…Plus, it's hardly the first time that Hakuryuu's unable to say anything in return to this… blabbering of Judar's. It's also hardly the first time that Hakuryuu sees a split-second of disappointment in those crimson irises, just as it's also hardly the first time that Judar blatantly ignores his… blabbering being ignored. It's not the first time that it hurts the tiniest bit, for some reason unknown to him.)

•••

"Uwaaa, this is so cool, Hakuryuu!"

He wasn't there when Judar first learned how to use his gravity magic so he can indulge in his hobby of walking around on thin air.

Seeing the awestruck expression on the kid's face is enough to give him an idea of how excited Judar would have looked before.

The sight causes his heart to twinge a little.

The undeniable happiness and unabashed admiration on the other's face doesn't belong to Judar, since it belongs to a brat _recycled_ from Judar's very being. Stripped of his memories, of his emotions, of his goals – this kid before him is just a hollow container for the long black locks and red eyes that haunted him day and night during the six months of contemplation whether to accept Judar's aid or not.

"Hey, hey, we should always ride this magic carpet, okay!" Judar exclaims like the excited kid that he is, pointing at the too-small buildings that can be demolished with just a swipe of his arm after calling upon the powers of Zagan. "They're all sooooo small!"

He smiles accordingly when Judar turns to him, whipping his head and his braid in the strong breeze. He smiles wide so that he'll have an excuse to squint a little bit and see someone bigger, someone older, someone who is the same as him.

"We can only use this here because of the huge plains," he explains somberly, cringing a little bit when Judar bounces about on the magical tool he has forcibly retrieved from the merchants of the town they just left. Unlike before, when he honestly paid for his purchases, and also unlike before, when he simply stole the merchandise – he has learned not to leave any traces behind by manipulating the memories of the merchants he steals from.

Being branded as traitors to the Kou Empire and to the World Alliance is tough for him, especially since he has a _luggage_ who doesn't know anything about fighting.

…Maybe if Judar sees blood splatters, he'll return to how he was before…?

…But no, there's no shortage of fights and chaos in their little adventure of escaping from those that are hunting them down.

And Judar does get splattered by blood and entrails every now and then, because nobody directs malicious intent to a harmless-looking brat who apparently registers as someone who just happened to get in the way of a wanted terrorist. Judar's _borg_ , which is his one good trait that makes up for his uselessness in hand-to-hand combat, doesn't activate. He doesn't even have that kind of trump card now.

He really does wonder sometimes, if he hasn't been cheated by this world again.

While it's true that he was very forward-thinking when he asked Judar to swallow one of his _netsumegusa_ seeds so he can still track him no matter what happens, it's also possible that this world's fate that Judar hates so much has sent him careening into a disheveled brat with unraveled hair and no memories whatsoever.

…No, if he starts suspecting every single thing in this world, there's going to be no end to things. He should believe in his power, in Zagan's power. There's no way he would have been led to someone who didn't contain Judar _somehow_.

…Though five years is an extremely long time.

Judar is a very impatient person and he can't accept the fact that someone as needy and impatient as him has managed to stay sleeping inside this clueless child for more than a week.

Maybe he needs to administer some great shock to this kid then?

…Should he push him off this magic carpet? Will Judar's _borg_ activate then? Will Judar's _borg_ even recognize him as a source of malicious intent? It's been so long since the _borg_ last activated against him.

…Should he injure himself then? Judar has never hidden how overprotective he is of him, after all. But this kid has seen him be severely outmatched by Sinbad – he was only able to escape successfully because he was able to summon the dolls of the Al Thamen priests that he was able to use as a shield and deflector of the attack.

…Should he injure this kid then?

…But if there's a possibility that this is really Judar's real body…

Maybe he really should have kidnapped Aladdin or that Magi of the Great Rift. Maybe he could have tortured the information out of them – about the mechanics of how magis are recycled and reincarnated. From the events that Judar has previously shown him regarding Alma Torran, he still remembers something about a sacred palace made of books – the origin of magi.

What would cause the door to that sacred palace to be reopened…?

Should he just amass a great quantity of _magoi_ …?

Should he just concentrate a lot of black _rukh_ , like what they had witnessed in Magnostadt? …Even if he's unable to wield that kind of power on his own, because as per Judar, the right to wield that is only for a magi who has fallen into depravity.

Should he just—

"— _ryuu_! Hakuryuu! You're spacing out again~~~"

…Oh. Right.

He blinks to get a better sense of himself, lost as he is with the thoughts of what he needs to do. He looks down at Judar – at the shell he has left behind – and sees a faint trace of worry there. It's overshadowed by the overwhelming interest to look at the small dunes of sand and the camels and caravans that travel underneath them though.

"We should reach the next town within two more hours," he eventually says, reigning in his tattered self-control.

He pats the magic carpet that has grown unsettled with his increasingly chaotic thoughts, hoping that it moves with little input from its intuition of his _rukh_. The last time he had tried activating his metal vessels in such close proximity with this kid, the brat had fainted on the spot, thanks to the crazy-ass (Judar's words, not his) noise and motion of his black _rukh_.

He doesn't apologize for scaring off this brat for a few moments just now.

He doesn't say 'I love you' to the kid before him, because this person just masquerades with the same face and same eyes, but is unable to produce the same smile and the same aura as the real thing. He doesn't love this brat who doesn't chatter at him and would prefer to look on and giggle at caravans below, who doesn't complain about sand getting blown to his face at each gust of the wind, who doesn't sense and understand his chaotic thoughts.

He doesn't love anyone in this world.

Not anymore.

•••

> "Hakuryuu! I'm awesome, aren't I?! Haha, look at meeee!"
> 
> Judar sounds so inappropriately excited as he bounds into Hakuryuu's room via his window – a not-so-common occurrence nowadays, since the royal retainers and basically everyone in the palace have already been advised to confiscate and hide all magic carpets from him (they've apparently learned their lesson from the peach-throwing incident a few months back).
> 
> "…ugh, what do you want, Judar?"
> 
> "Look at meeee, Hakuryuu!"
> 
> Hakuryuu sighs deeply and opens an eye to glare as menacingly as possible at the annoying visitor on his window. He should have known better than to feel _relieved_ (and not worried) that Judar didn't come by earlier to pester him to spend the night yet again in his cramped bed, right after his trip to Balbadd. He should have known that Judar's busy playing with more magic tricks again.
> 
> "I looked at you. Now what."
> 
> "Aw, don't be like that, Hakuryuu! Come on, look at me properly!"
> 
> It's only because Judar gets very persistent when it comes to the most useless things.
> 
> It's only because Hakuryuu _knows_ , from personal experience, that Judar will not hesitate to wake the entire palace up if it means convincing Hakuryuu to go along with his whim for the moment.
> 
> It's only because sleep is very important to him that he doesn't it to be delayed even further by a whining Judar.
> 
> It's only because of that.
> 
> "I'm going to _accidentally_ cut that favorite peach tree of yours," Hakuryuu says threateningly, but he does eventually comply with sitting up properly, his sleeping robe falling off one shoulder in the process. He glares at Judar, taking in the sight of that pale skin practically glowing against the moonlight, his ruby-colored eyes shining with delight. He then notices the lack of the magic carpet supporting Judar's legs as he peers into Hakuryuu's window.
> 
> "…Huh."
> 
> "Don't just say 'huh'! I'm awesome, aren't I??? It's a pain in the ass to learn, but I did it! Cool, huh?"
> 
> Hakuryuu isn't a magician, but if he takes Judar's whining about magic formulae, learning gravity magic is apparently difficult. Judar acts like an airhead idiot most of the time, but it's hard to ignore his proficiency when it comes to learning things. If only he gets proper motivation aside from bringing hell and annoyance to others…
> 
> He knows that most people would be praising Judar left and right about this accomplishment, but he's not the type to offer such words that will just encourage Judar to slack off on other things and preen from the attention.
> 
> So what leaves his lips instead is a sleepy, long-suffering, rhetorical question: "…So can I go back to sleep now?"
> 
> "Don't be like that, Hakuryuu! Let's go! I'm gonna bring you up!"
> 
> Hakuryuu wrinkles his nose at the idea of flying above the palace – or worse, the neighboring towns – after midnight. It reeks of terribleness and _Judar_ that it's hard to imagine that they won't court trouble for doing this. But then again, this is going to be like their little rebellion against those advisors that are brainwashed by that witch.
> 
> Wordlessly, Hakuryuu crouches by his windowsill, holding out a hand to Judar.
> 
> Judar doesn't waste a moment and grabs him, floating close to where he is, so that they're toe to toe, wrapping his left arm around his waist and his right arm supporting him by his shoulders. Hakuryuu shivers from the coldness of the hard lines of Judar's body, and he's not scared at all of the thought of somehow being dropped on his head to the ground below. Nevertheless, he wraps both of his arms around Judar's waist, angling his head so that his right ear is pressed just beside Judar's lips.
> 
> "Let's go, Hakuryuu~~~"
> 
> Hakuryuu barely has time to brace himself before they're floating to the top of the tower, Judar murmuring things about the view not being so good at all, because the courtyard's designs are all fairly ordinary.
> 
> "I can't even see anything," Hakuryuu mutters, squinting hard so he can distinguish some things beneath them. It's mostly useless, so he just settles for simply breathing against Judar's collarbone, smelling some sort of incense that's probably due to The Organization's priests. There's a cool night breeze and that's the only reason why he shudders closer to Judar, pressing their bodies together more insistently.
> 
> Judar chuckles at him – the nerve of him – and drums his fingers against his waist, the press of those fingers very apparent despite the layers of clothing. There's a small ball of fire that floats by them, illuminating a small part of the view, bringing some tiny bit of warmth to this chilly excursion. "…Better?"
> 
> "It will be better if I can actually sleep at night," Hakuryuu snaps because there's no point thanking Judar for this small mercy, since the other already knows. And he's not a magician, so he's not too sure, but he supposes that controlling two different types of magic at the same time should be an accomplishment. He doesn't praise Judar for that too, because there's no point in encouraging Judar to do these little things to impress him when he could be doing something else.
> 
> "Aw, you're so cranky lately, Hakuryuu~~~"
> 
> Hakuryuu feels the other's tension, but he doesn't comment on it. Something has been off with Judar ever since he returned from Balbadd – gone is the flighty airheaded-ness, but there's something more restless and sinister that has replaced it. Even his excitement seems strange too. He hasn't confided anything particularly important to Judar ever since the Great Fire, but it feels like this is the time for him to call upon their weird friendship that has somehow withstood even the _betrayal_ of that witch.
> 
> "Of course, I'm cranky. I'm supposed to go to Sindria tomorrow and yet _here I am_."  
>   
>  "Here you are," Judar agrees, nodding and pressing their heads side-by-side. Both their fingers shake slightly as they cling to each other, surrounded by darkness and very little light.

> It's not like Hakuryuu doesn't want this little excursion to end, just like he didn't really miss Judar during his trip to Balbadd. "…I really need to sleep."
> 
> "…Yeah," Judar breathes out, his voice subdued as he kisses Hakuryuu's ear and the skin below it. Hakuryuu can just feel his pulse thud in that area. "Hey, Hakuryuu… I love you, you know?"
> 
> He knows.
> 
> That's one of the problems actually.
> 
> Hakuryuu's never had the chance to deny his knowledge of such words, of such feelings, because Judar has never given him the chance to be ignorant of such things.
> 
> But Judar always gives him the option to ignore his words and just focus on their synced heartbeats.
> 
> Hakuryuu is too tired, cranky and annoyed by his own embarrassment that he can't say anything back. Even a rejection or a deflection doesn't even escape his mouth. He doesn't mention anything about disliking Judar, about Judar being a tool of The Organization. He doesn't mention anything at all.
> 
> The moment passes when he simply chooses to rest his forehead on Judar's right shoulder, shutting his eyes. The darkness that surrounds them is cold and Judar only breathes out an uncharacteristically deep sigh, before he brings them back to Hakuryuu's bedside window.
> 
> Wordlessly, Judar crawls underneath his covers, just as Hakuryuu wordlessly accepts him there.  
>   
>  (It's hardly the first time that Hakuryuu's unable to say anything in return to these confessions of Judar's. It's also hardly the first time that Hakuryuu sees a split-second of disappointment in those crimson irises, just as it's also hardly the first time that Judar blatantly ignores being ignored. It's not the first time that it hurts the tiniest bit, for some reason unknown to him.)

•••

"Aw-aah-ah, that hurts, Hakuryuu!"

He doesn't heed the kid's words and scrubs insistently still at the scrapes that the other got from tumbling down a steep mountain path as it tried to run away to a safer place. He should really look into the possibility of training this brat in self-defense, because if he can't be useful when it comes to incapacitating their enemies, at least he should be able to take care of himself, not invite more trouble to befall him.

He tries not to think of the past and how he's treated whenever he got scrapes and scratches from too much playing around. That rarely happened because he was a very well-behaved child that lived in a mostly sheltered environment, much to the delight of his older siblings and his caretakers – and whenever he actually squabbled around, Judar made sure that he wasn't hurt too badly. Whenever he got sick, his sister helped nurse him back to health by making sure Judar stayed away from his room during the day, therefore preventing him from straining his body further.

…He tries not to think of the past.

"Aw—that _hurts_ , are you mad at me or something?"

"I'm not."

Even if he is, it's not like it will matter if he admits it out loud. Even if he is, it's not like this brat before him understands the gravity of the situation. Even if he is, it's not like it will change things.

"…you seem mad…"

He hears the muttering, but he ignores that too. He washes the dirt away from the scrapes and bandages them in quick motions once he's through. He doesn't heed the kid's complaints about his rough handling nor does he pay much attention to how the brat whines about the makeshift bandage being too tight.

He does place a hand over the other's forehead afterwards, feeling for signs of fever. They wouldn't be within any signs of civilization in the next five or so days, so it will be doubly difficult to obtain any sort of medicine if it comes to that. He could activate Zagan so he can raise some medicinal herbs, but they just escaped a close encounter with their pursuers. He'd rather not do anything that can broadcast their whereabouts and the concentration of black _rukh_ that appears whenever he activates his metal vessels is too flashy.

He doesn't apologize for the lack of medicines for the brat when he does end up being feverish.

He doesn't say 'I love you' to the kid before him, because this person is a piss-poor substitute for the powerful magi that has chosen him. He doesn't love this brat who doesn't have enough common sense to not get sick at a time when they can't allow any weakness, who doesn't nuzzle closer to his hands whenever he checks for the other's body temperature, who doesn't pester him to use Zagan so he can heal faster.

He doesn't love anyone in this world.

Not anymore.

•••

> "Hakuryuu! You shouldn't move too much or else you're gonna bleed all over the place!"
> 
> Judar stands before Hakuryuu, arms outstretched so he can physically block him from leaving the emperor's quarters.
> 
> "Being this worried doesn't suit you, Judar." Despite his scathing tone, Hakuryuu does stop moving around, sitting back down on the huge bed that somehow didn't attract dust from all the commotion from earlier today. Exhaustion is practically leaking from his every pore, to the point that his eyelids seem to be closing on their own, but he does keep his eyes stubbornly open so he can watch the emotions play on Judar's face.
> 
> "Eh, I'm allowed to be worried for my king," Judar replies flippantly – or as flippantly as he can, which isn't really much. There's too much concern lining his entire body, weighing down his shoulders and darkening his eyes. He hovers in front of Hakuryuu with hesitation, when he normally would just flop back to the bed, uncaring whether he hits Hakuryuu with a limb or two.
> 
> "Shouldn't you be more worried for yourself?"
> 
> Hakuryuu peels off the remains of his tattered robe, trying to forget the irritating words Alibaba had said earlier. He also tries not to think about the disappointment of how they weren't able to execute their plan to turn both Alibaba and Aladdin as puppets for Belial. He tries to focus on the fact that at least, they were able to gather information as to who are the ones on Kouen's side. At least, he was able to plant some seedlings he can use to spy on Balbadd.
> 
> "Your opponent has a similar power to yours, but his knowledge reserve is greater. Don't tell me you're going to be useless against Aladdin?"
> 
> "I'm not gonna lose to that shrimp!"
> 
> "Oh?" Hakuryuu raises an eyebrow at the magi in front of him, who looks distracted by his bared chest – or more specifically, by the wounds on his bared chest. "I seem to remember having to back you up earlier today."
> 
> "I was totally holding back, you know?" Judar looks serious, so it doesn't seem like he's just saying that to defend his pride or anything like that. He kneels in front of Hakuryuu, tugging at the remains of the tattered robes and wetting them on the water basin by the foot of the bed. He then pats at Hakuryuu's wounds with eerie gentleness, slowly cleaning the wounds with the liquid disinfectant. "I didn't want to get you all grumpy if the entire capital got destroyed."
> 
> "So you're telling me that controlling your power is getting difficult for you?"
> 
> "That is so not what I'm saying, you cheeky bastard." Judar continues to clean his wounds, not commenting on the cracks on Hakuryuu's skin that's discolored to appear like burnt charcoal – the marks of the strange poisoning due to the black _rukh_. "Why don't you just trust me on these things, Hakuryuu~~~? I always do what you ask me to, after all~~~"
> 
> "Shut up, Judar."
> 
> "That's not fair!"
> 
> Hakuryuu leans back until he's flat against the mattress, falling into the soft covers with a dull thump. Judar stands up to throw the damp and bloodied cloth to some corner of the room. Hakuryuu doesn't say a word of complaint about the messiness, because Judar's still looking at him with an expression akin to suffocating worry, even as he tugs at his flimsy clothes and his bangles.
> 
> Without bothering to change into a proper sleeping robe, Judar then dives head-first towards the bed, landing just beside Hakuryuu.
> 
> "…We'll win against Kouen and his minions." Hakuryuu promises to the tiny space between them, tilting his head to the side so he can look at Judar directly.
> 
> Judar grins at him, all teeth. There's darkness there, whistling low like the sound of funeral bells ringing in the distance. It should be frightening to witness, but it's comforting instead. Judar reaches out with his left hand and touches the pinked skin of his chest, mildly burnt from Alibaba's attacks. The medicinal herbs that he raised using Zagan, combined with Judar's shoddy use of life magic, are able to accelerate his healing greatly, but it's still no match for natural healing.
> 
> "…What did the idiot tell you?" Judar asks after a few moments of tense silence. "And no need to hide it from me, your _rukh_ is all restless and stuff right now."
> 
> "You calling someone an idiot is just…" Hakuryuu trails off, turning to his side so he can return Judar's stare fully. Both of their feet are still rested on the ground, their knees bumping together by the edge of the bed. "…He told me that there's no way anyone in this world will completely agree with me."
> 
> "Haha! He really is an idiot then!"
> 
> "…He is."
> 
> "But that's not all, huh?" True to his claim, Judar does sense something's off with Hakuryuu still. "…Hey, I love you, you know? But I loved you even when you haven't decided to curse your destiny, even when you haven't had a metal vessel yet, so. What I want to say is, this and that are different things? So, being your magi and loving you are different things? Like—"
> 
> "Ugh, shut up, Judar."
> 
> Despite his rough words, Hakuryuu doesn't push Judar away. If anything, he even moves closer, sliding against the bed sheets so he can pull himself up and headbutt Judar gently.
> 
> He doesn't kiss Judar nor does he say anything regarding this heavy confession.
> 
> He thinks he doesn't need to, because Judar understands him, after all.
> 
> (It's hardly the first time that Hakuryuu's unable to say anything in return to these confessions of Judar's. It's also hardly the first time that Hakuryuu sees a split-second of disappointment in those crimson irises, just as it's also hardly the first time that Judar blatantly ignores being ignored. It's not the first time that it hurts the tiniest bit, for some reason unknown to him.)

•••

"Ugh, help me, please, Hakuryuu!"

He almost laughs upon hearing those words – words that the previous Judar would definitely not have uttered with this kind of desperation and sincerity.

After all, before he joined Judar's side, the other had been overwhelmingly stronger compared to him – a fact that Judar had never stopped teasing Hakuryuu about. After obtaining Belial, the two of them have developed an almost psychic connection when it came to sensing the other's movements, so there was no point in verbally asking for help.

And yet here this _replacement magi_ is, yelling for a savior in a world that he should know to be unfair and to be more likely to turn a deaf ear to his pleas.

He doesn't apologize for the blood that splatters upon the brat's face, as he shoots the soldier from Sindria that has captured him.

He doesn't say 'I love you' to the kid before him, because this person is just a placeholder until he figures out how to bring the real Judar back.

He doesn't love this brat who isn't Judar.

He doesn't love anyone in this world.

Not anymore.

•••

> "Hakuryuu!!!"
> 
> Judar moves quicker than ever, despite already nursing injuries from the fight and working under depleted energy reserves. He barrels into Hakuryuu, not unlike how he used to do so when they were young and he wanted to gain the other's attention away from his older siblings or from his studies. This time though, he's stealing Hakuryuu away from the fate of being skewered by one of the medium's tentacles that's able to zap magoi and life force from anything it touches.
> 
> "…you're… a real idiot…" Hakuryuu gasps out from his punctured lungs, his entire body shaking from the impact of being flung hard to the ground, his voice shaking from the sight of his magi's _borg_ broken like a shattered crystal. His eyes register Judar's form being stripped of its skin, his eyes drawn to the sight of both black and white _rukh_ scrambling to wrap themselves around the exposed veins and muscle.
> 
> "Shouldn't… you be saying 'thanks' instead…?" Judar asks with a strained smile, his grip on his black staff loosening with each passing second. The black staff of his anger itself is waning from existence, thanks to the grandiose speech that Aladdin and Alibaba had mentioned about not having to curse one's fate.
> 
> Hakuryuu doesn't even notice the ongoing fight above them – his war campaign against Kouen reduced to a clusterfuck of different forces butting in and interfering, which had further devolved into a scramble against the remaining members of Al Thamen that didn't fall prey to Belial's powers.
> 
> The witch has apparently been revived under another vessel and has been orchestrating this second attempt at dragging their _god_ down from the heavens.
> 
> Yet, he's now more concerned about the sorry state of his magi that's very useless without his _borg_ and without his nearly infinite supply of _magoi_.
> 
> "You should be… focusing on healing yourself," Hakuryuu says as casually as he can – which isn't really much. Even without in-depth knowledge of magic theory, he knows that the possibility of Judar healing himself back to top condition doesn't exist.
> 
> Judar's edge at being able to use both white and black _rukh_ has been taken away from him, which means that he isn't able to access the complicated formulas researched in Magnostadt about healing oneself.
> 
> "Hey, Hakuryuu…"
> 
> Judar inches closer to Hakuryuu, reaching out with both his hands. Hakuryuu usually hates being touched, especially if there are other people who can see him, but he feels like he should indulge this, one last time. Hakuryuu shuffles closer to meet Judar halfway, the broken _borg_ automatically stretching out to envelop him too. Just like its master, who's unable to stop himself from reaching out to Hakuryuu despite being in such a sorry state.
> 
> "…You know, I really can't hate this shitty fate completely, after all."
> 
> Hakuryuu doesn't say anything, as he clasps both of Judar's hands in his own, real one. Zagan's power isn't flowing into him anymore, due to _magoi_ depletion, so his left hand just hangs uselessly by his side.
> 
> "…You see, without that fucked-up childhood, I wouldn't have been able to meet such an interesting crybaby prince." Judar's eyes are slowly drifting shut, his hands going limp. Hakuryuu doesn't say anything still, because these could possibly the last words he'll ever hear from this person. "…I love you, you cheeky bastard of a king."
> 
> Hakuryuu doesn't get a chance to reply as he feels Judar's body turn brittle and crack into countless pieces, like black sand drifting into nothing. Judar's grinning though, as though this is part of the fate that he hasn't forgiven, yet he doesn't mind succumbing to, in the end. His forehead glows and Hakuryuu feels strength returning to him, Zagan activating so that his left hand feels stronger too. This sensation is familiar – just like what they had witnessed during the first medium incident in Magnostadt. This is very much like how Scheherazade has released her last bit of accumulated _magoi_ – only this time, Judar is selfishly only providing that power to the king he has chosen.
> 
> Just before the last portion of Judar's face and hand fade away into the air, Hakuryuu hears it, the words that will haunt him for eternity.
> 
> "I've loved you since I first saw your ugly crying face, Hakuryuu."
> 
> "I—"
> 
> But Hakuryuu's words don't make it to its recipient, who has been transformed into plain _rukh_ that will eventually drift to the Sacred Palace.
> 
> It's the last time that Hakuryuu's unable to say anything to return Judar's words.  
>   
>  It's the last time that Hakuryuu sees the split-second of disappointment in those crimson irises, just as it's also the last time that Judar blatantly ignores his feelings being ignored.  
>   
>  …It's not the last time that everything hurts, for reasons that are painfully clear to him.  
> 

  
•  
•  
•

_“Walking alone is not difficult, but when we have walked a mile worth a thousand years with someone, then coming back alone is what is difficult.”_

•  
•  
•  
  
"Hakuryuu… are we gonna be okay?"

He ignores the brat's worried question as he stands up and walks towards the nearby stream, leaving the kid inside the shallow cave they barely managed to escape to. He dearly hopes that the kid at least managed to retain Judar's uncanny sense regarding his moods. He doesn't think he can tolerate the kid following him out when he desperately needs to be alone so he can focus on silencing the myriad of noises making their home inside his head.

Hearing voices inside of him isn't anything new.

He's long experienced hearing faint whispers before – repetitions of his brothers' pleas to have him avenge their deaths, traces of that woman's taunting words about him not having the power to change anything in the cage she had placed him on, echoes of his own anger's discontent with how the world keeps on ignoring his wishes to live a life untouched by darkness. He's heard the angry whispers for quite some time, but it's mostly just his – and Judar's, after they joined forces – lashing out against the world that continues to betray them.

Recently though, he's been hearing more and more sounds, resonating from deep within him, reverberating inside his skull. They're mostly incomprehensible words, promises to destroy and destroy and _destroy_. He remembers Judar's words about being unable to completely hate the shitty fate that had managed to ruin the two of them so thoroughly, but at the same time allowed them to _find_ each other.

…But what use is that kind of fate if it's also the same fate that had allowed him to see a way of life supported by just one person, if it's also that same fate that would wrench them apart. The world just continues to laugh at them, stringing them with false sense of security and contentment, before ruining everything with a fickle turn of the wrist.

Everyone just continues to betray him.

Even the one person who would never have betrayed him has been forced to leave by this fate, by this congregation of forces that just want to punish him to living like a corpse stripped of dignity and honor.

Kouen, Alibaba and Sinbad just want to make the world into their vision, dazzling everyone so that they can't see how wrong following one way of living really is. They're considered _just_ while his method is appalling, when they are hiding their means of subjugating everyone's wills with their shining auras, brilliant strategies and vivid words.

The voices inside his head agree with him, but they're useless because they're just white noise.

There's nobody in this world who agrees with him.

There's nobody in this world who deserves to live anymore.

The brat travelling with him is just a liability without any knowledge for magic techniques. He's just a doll that's waiting, waiting, waiting to be awakened properly.

Perhaps he's been going through this wrong.

He's heard from Judar that the two other magi – and even Aladdin, to be honest – retain their memories in their _rukh_. Perhaps this world's fate is currently holding Judar's real _rukh_ hostage in that Sacred Palace. Maybe they've released Judar's _rukh_ to the mass of black _rukh_ that resides in the dimension just above them.

…So to solve this dilemma, he'll just need to call upon all the black _rukh_ in this world, right? He should be able to retrieve Judar's if he does that. If he's not able to find Judar's, he can just go ahead and amass so much black _rukh_ that the Sacred Palace will have no choice but to open itself to him. Or maybe he can just kill any of the three _magi_ and then he can go with them to that Sacred Palace? Or maybe he can just destroy this world and its flow so that the Sacred Palace will be destroyed and it will release Judar's _rukh_ and—

The voices inside of him writhe and agree with his plans.

He ignores their approval for more destruction.

The voices sound eerily like the soldiers that he has slaughtered, the merchants he has silenced, the citizens he has subjugated.

He doesn't care for their opinions.

He—

He's standing knee-deep into the stream when he realizes his surroundings. He blinks and looks down to where the strong current is pushing against his knees, intent on knocking him down. He sneers as he listens to the chirping of birds, the flow of water, the deceptive peacefulness of the scenery.

"You're such a stupid, selfish idiot… didn't you ever think what would happen to me if you're gone?!"

He feels his eyes burning as he glares at the forest surrounding him. He feels the water actually avoiding him, the current shifting as though he's an anomaly that has to be avoided.

"You told me that you understood that this is a fight to death—but we're not yet _finished_ with our goal. You're a lying piece of shit—I thought you wanted to create a proper country, a proper world remade without this stupid fate?!"

He only hears the chirping of birds in response to his questions. The noises in his head just whine and complain about their lives being lost. He ignores the complaints of ghosts that didn't have the conviction to die for their beliefs.

"…Hakuryuu? Are _you_ okay?"

...Oh.

He's here.

He turns so he can face the empty puppet, who flinches right upon seeing his face. His lips curl even further, because the real Judar wouldn't have done anything like that. If anything, Judar would have been delighted to see him overtaken by so much darkness that he's attracting all the dark thoughts of all those he had killed for his goals.

"…I said I'd leave you behind if you can't keep up with me."

He tells the brat in front of him, who looks bewildered by those words. He doesn't think he's said those words to _this_ brat. But he doesn't care about that. He walks back to the riverbed, hands outstretched as though he's about the hug the kid. When the fake Judar looks relieved with the assumed display of affection, he lets both of his hands settle on the other's neck, gripping tight, but not to the point that he'll choke the other.

He needs that _body_ alive after all.

"Why won't you wake up so you can laugh at me for not going through with those words, huh? Though actually, I'm just bringing you along so I can toss you aside later."

"H-Hakuryuu—what are you doing—?"

"You stupid _magi_ have it so easy… just floating around to forget about your troubles… why won't you return here? Why did you have to forget everything?" His hands shake, glaring at the red eyes that don't show a shred of comprehension. "I won't even care at this point if you just float about and do nothing but eat those damned peaches—just— _come back_ —"

"H-Hakuryuu—can't—breathe—"

"Ah, no matter."

He releases the other's neck—oh, he seems to have used more force than intended. When did he even lift the brat? He spies the red marks around the other's neck, almost reminiscent of the golden choker that Judar likes to wear.

"If you won't come back willingly, then I guess I'll just…"

He doesn't care for anything in this world after all.

Not anymore.  
  
•  
•  
•

—Truly  
— **Madly  
** —Deeply

•  
•  
•  
  
"Lord Priest! Where are you? Lord Priest!"

There's silence for a while, only interrupted by faint sounds of biting roughly into something.

"…No, _Magi_!"

He hates those annoying, nagging, hovering veiled priests. He hates them so much, because they always interrupt him when he's feeling full from the abundance of peaches in the courtyard. Don't they know that it's rude to interrupt someone's eating, especially if it will lead to a well-deserved naptime?

Urgh… they're so irritating, but if he continues ignoring them, not only would they scold him non-stop and forbid him from joining yet-another campaign, but they would also tell the emperor about his slacking off from official duties. What those official duties are, he's not too sure about, but he doesn't let that bother him most of the time.

"Magi, do not neglect presenting yourself to the Emperor." The veiled priest that's assigned to look for him today patiently waits until he actually jumps down from the peach tree he's lounging at. He does so with great reluctance, his gravity magic swaying at the last moment, making him stumble slightly upon landing. The veiled priest doesn't comment on that. "He will get angry."

"He won't get angry at me."

Sure, he will frown and frown and frown, and maybe even give him that cold shoulder, but he won't get angry _at him_.

"That may be so," the veiled priest agrees after a moment, probably deliberating whether he should be agreeing when the emperor has eyes and ears everywhere in the entire country. "But he will get angry at everything else. It doesn't bode well for anyone if the emperor's anger spikes."

"Ah, I don't really like him if he's always angry too," he ends up saying, thinking back on the times that he has witnessed the emperor's anger. Most of those recollections are very recent, though he can't help this feeling that there are a couple of other things he has forgotten about. He doesn't seem to remember anything from beyond three years ago, which is a huge memory gap for someone in his teens. But he doesn't really care about that, because if he forgot about those things, they probably weren't very important.

…Ah. Lately, he hasn't been enjoying showing himself to the emperor too.

It's strange, because he usually likes seeing the deep darkness that surrounds the emperor. He can't help but flinch from the nasty feeling of the other's black _rukh_ though, something that flares up whenever their eyes meet. He isn't _scared_ of the emperor per se, but he's instinctively wary of the other. He feels like he shouldn't be reacting like this, because he's a _magi_ and the other's a splendid _king_ feared by from all of his constituents.

Since he's the only magi of this country, it means that he has chosen the emperor, right?

Since the emperor is the only dungeon capturer of this country, it means that he's the one who chose him and raised a dungeon for him, right?

He doesn't have any recollection of choosing the emperor or raising a dungeon for the emperor, but everybody in the palace tells him that he did and he should just ignore the gaps in his memory.

He doesn't let that affect him, most of the time.

The veiled priest walks him to the emperor's chambers, bypassing the throne room. "Hmm, so please make sure to present yourself to the emperor."

He likes this emperor, somehow, despite his complaints.

He doesn't find it strange that the emperor grants him access to his private chambers, when he lashes out and strikes down anyone else who dares to do so.

He steps into the private quarters and pauses for a moment.

"Magi— _Magi_ — **Magi** —"

There are veiled priests lining the space between the doorway and the huge-ass bed beside the equally huge window overlooking the entire capital. The priests bow down their heads and chant in an eerie chorus, their hands pointed towards the veranda where he can spy the back of his emperor turned towards him.

He's not sure whether he's disappointed that the sacred privilege of being the only one who's been into the emperor's bedchambers has been distributed to others. Surely, any disappointment he feels is overshadowed by how heady and _sweet_ the darkness surrounding the emperor is, at this moment.

There's a low table set up to the left side of the veranda, an elaborately-designed dragon vase filled with peaches. Beside the table are two plush seats, akin to smaller versions of the throne. He flops down to one of the seats, immediately grabbing and biting into one of the fruits. Hmm. He really should start eating while near the emperor – it's almost as if the other's black _rukh_ makes the fruits taste _sweeter_.

"How is your day?"

He frowns as he hears the usual question again. The emperor keeps his back turned to him, apparently too busy with gazing into the view of the capital and dark horizon.

"Ah, it's okay~" He lets the fruit's juice drip into his chin. He can go ahead and lick that all he wants later. "It's plenty boring though~~~ Why do I need to study all those scrolls, the dust is so thick, they make my nose itchy~~~"

He sees the emperor's shoulders tense slightly, before relaxing again. There's a spike in his black rukh – nothing like his all-encompassing anger, but more like a thread of disappointment. Huh. Well excuse him for not finding studying magic formulas interesting!

…Despite that, he still likes this emperor. He doesn't think he can find anyone else with the same brand of darkness – he apparently beheaded his own mother, tried and almost succeeded to kill his sister, tried and almost succeeded to do the same to someone he had asked to be his empress, and is now easily fighting with his remaining siblings. That kind of screwed-up person doesn't come by easily, he knows.

He has this feeling that he should stick by this person, no matter how uncomfortable he feels sometimes.

The emperor raises his right hand, making a small gesture to beckon the priests left standing near his bed. There are a couple of moments filled with sounds of shuffling feet, before the veiled priests surround his seated form.

"Magi— _Magi_ — **Magi** —"

"Let's braid your hair, Magi—"

"Would you like us to pour some wine?"

"Let us massage your shoulders, Magi—"

He frowns at the sudden burst of attention, but then he leans back against his seat. Well, enjoying this kind of attention isn't too bad every once in a while.

"Don't think that I'll forget about my complaints about boredom though~~~"

"…Forget?" The emperor echoes, chuckling slightly. It doesn't sound happy at all. The emperor finally turns around to face him, his face dark with some sort of emotion he can't decipher. It almost feels as though the other is mocking _him_ , the one and only _magi_ here. "Oh, I wouldn't think of that at all."

"Eh, then why??? Why won't you send me to the front lines of battle?" Their country is still at odds with the World Alliance, skirmishes erupting practically everywhere. The World Alliance's cooperation and politics are too complicated for him to understand, but he knows from the emperor's words that their cooperation is fragile and soon to crumble. He believes that, for lack of other options. "I'm so bored here, you know~~~?"

The emperor smirks at him as he says: "If you need to ask why you're not in the front lines, then it just means that you really don't deserve to be there."

"Hmph! Stingy!" He kicks one of the legs of the low table, disturbing the peaches and making two of them roll down the floor. One of the peaches hit the foot of one of the veiled priests but he doesn't even flinch. "You're so mean!"

"…Hm. Be quiet."

He instinctively bites his lip upon those words. He hates it, how his immediate action is to follow the other's orders. He doesn't mind following this emperor, true, but he doesn't want to be similar to the veiled priests that are just puppets controlled by the emperor's metal vessel, just as he doesn't want to be like the random citizen outside who's brainwashed into following the emperor.

(It's not like there's a lot of brainwashed citizens though – because their empire is built upon the ruins of what was apparently the magicians' kingdom, ruined thoroughly by a war many years prior. The horizon looks bleak, with that dark spot overhead, and the grounds are uneven and unstable, not being very good for building homes. The entire country is very boring, to be honest.)

In a few minutes, he sees two glowing beings in the distance, approaching them quickly. He's reminded of why the emperor likes staying in his bedchambers – because the veranda offers an excellent view of the country's borders, therefore making it easy for him to snipe any intruders with his makeshift bow.

But the emperor doesn't summon Zagan at all, and instead crooks a finger for one of the veiled priests to retrieve and pass a black staff to him.

He feels weird whenever he sees that black staff, almost as though his heart is being carved out and dragged away from him. He feels that now too, so he stands up uneasily, discreetly wiping his sticky fingers on his pants. His long braided hair feels cold against his back as black _rukh_ surround the emperor, the _rukh_ yelling-crying- _cursing_.

"Stand back," the emperor tells him, eyes glowing red with anger. Before he can even retort that he does want to join the fight, because those two approaching figures feel familiar, like he ought to fight them, the emperor glares harder and commands with an icy tone: "Your job as a magi is to follow your king."

He wants to protest against that – even if he doesn't know what a magi's job really is – but he's interrupted by the two intruders floating a few meters away from the veranda. Both of the intruders have pained expressions on their faces, as though it really pains them to see the emperor.

"Hakuryuu! You should stop this—please! You know about Alma Torran—you know about the dark spot—you can't want to call down Il Illah upon this world!"

"What do you plan to do with this second furnace, Hakuryuu?!"

He feels a slight twinge of pain as he hears those questions. He's not sure if it's because he feels offended that these two intruders just waltz in without any invitation and they suddenly just keep on bombarding them with these questions. He places both of his hands over his head, in an effort to stop the pain from spreading. He doesn't want to listen to their words.

He keeps an eye open, just in time to see the emperor brandish the black staff at the two intruders.

"My goals are none of your business, Alibaba, Aladdin."

He feels another wave of pain run through his head at those names.

"All of this black _rukh_ —even leading Al Thamen… is _this_ your plan to bring Judar back?! That's—"

…bring Judar back?

…but he's here already…?

…isn't he?

He cringes as he hears the black _rukh_ surrounding the emperor scream.

"Shut up! This… This is my answer as the king chosen by the black magi."

He sinks down to his knees, nursing his hurting head, as all of the black _rukh_ in the world concentrate in this forsaken kingdom. The black spot overhead growls deep like a monster just woken up. Tentacle-like hands descend slowly-slowly-slowly and he has the sinking feeling that those hands are going for him and he can't do anything to stop it.

— _I love you, Hakuryuu—_

But those words don't escape his lips ever again.

He feels the emperor's hands grab him by the arm and fling him out towards the congregation of the veiled priests.

He looks up at his emperor, who's smiling at him for the very first time, even if he has this feeling that it's not really him that the other sees.

In the background, the priests are chanting "our father— _our father_ — **our father** —" over and over again. In the background, the two intruders are screaming at the emperor while battling the army raised from the microbes in the air.

"…I love you, Judar."

He feels faint upon hearing those words, even though he knows that it's not really him that the other loves.

And it hurts more than it should.  
  
 **•**  
 **•**  
 **•**

 

 **to all the times you've loved me before** ;

 **•**  
 **•**  
 **•**  
  
end

**Author's Note:**

> • Alternate summary: Hakuryuu NO  
> • De-aged Judar and runaway JuHaku are dedicated to Chelsea! ❤ Though I know that we're talking more about fluffy scenarios for runaway/de-aged Judar;;;;;; it became tragic orz because I combined it with the "salvation from depravity" and "rejecting that salvation" idea. OTL  
> • Yandere Hakuryuu is very much dedicated to the lovely zuki! ❤
> 
> Some post-story notes:
> 
> • Main inspiration is to write a scenario where it's Hakuryuu who's going crazy with Judar, "waiting" for him, etc., etc. Hakuryuu has recently said that he'll never want to get out of depravity too, so it sort of fits? Hakuryuu's been shown to really care whether there's at least one person who agrees with him (see: ch242 where he's not happy when Judar says that nobody really believes in him – he only smiles once Judar sort of admits that that's nobody aside from him; see: ch254 where he's irritated by Alibaba's accusations that nobody agrees with him). What would happen to him if that one person who understands him disappears? …so yes, yandere Hakuryuu appeared LOL
> 
> • One more inspiration is the line: "Walking alone is not difficult but when we have walked a mile worth a thousand years with someone then coming back alone is what is difficult." by Faraaz Kazi
> 
> • Scenes in blockquotes (start with "Hakuryuu") are set in the past (childhood – pre-Balbadd – pre-Zagan – post-255 – post-series), while the rest are scenes of Hakuryuu running away with the de-aged/reincarnated Judar. I've been cleaning up the scenes to make sure that even while everything is in Hakuryuu's POV, he never refers to his name during the times he's with the de-aged Judar. And that he starts to address the reincarnated version as 'Judar' in his thoughts (and later on, speech) less and less as time goes by… he grows more and more irritated of him too OTL
> 
> • It's also interesting how magis are reincarnated/recycled… if Judar dies, his soul will return to the Sacred Palace. Unlike Scheherazade, who has a clone, Judar will probably go back to infancy. Hakuryuu and Judar were watching the fight with the medium, so they would have also witnessed Titus' rebirth as the second magi. Since Hakuryuu loves to draw conclusions (whether he's right or not), I think he'd be able to link the presence of the massive black rukh and calling Il Illah down to the possibility of reviving a magi'… 
> 
> • Also, sorry not sorry that I'm sort of very interested with the thought of Hakuryuu being more and more like Arba/Gyokuen LOL
> 
> • I've left the ending there, because either way is going to end up with more sadness, so. I'll leave it up to your imagination if Hakuryuu succeeds or not 8D


End file.
